I love shitty, generic, cookie cutter beer festivals.

Especially when they have really shitty, generic, cookie cutter websites, too.

NOTE: Previous images removed at owner’s request. Current image may contain portions of copyrighted works that totally don’t belong to Thomas Tarry, Jr. nor The Results Group, in fair use as a parody. I’ve put about as much effort into this picture into as Tom does his websites and beer festivals.
Tom Tarry

It makes it easy to identify it as a festival I don’t need to attend. Even better is that they have autoplay garbage audio that blares in the background and, because these websites were apparently designed with a Geocities website builder, the controls from the audio are hidden. What’s CSS? Derp.

NOTE: Previous images removed at owner’s request. Current image may contain portions of copyrighted works that totally don’t belong to Thomas Tarry, Jr. nor The Results Group, in fair use as a parody. I’ve put about as much effort into this picture into as Tom does his websites and beer festivals.
Tom Tarry
This lack of effort with their website echos throughout the way they run the festival. And while any brewery worth a damn should run kicking and screaming from a beer festival like this, they still sucker some breweries and distributors into showing up, either because they’re new and don’t know any better, or because they see it as new mouths to get your beer into. And hey, if it gets you a few more followers and loyal drinkers it was worth giving your beer and swag away for free/cheap, right?

The reality is that, other than the stray fucktard vlogging his way through his tasting’z and talking about cultivating yeast, the only people who attend festivals like this are Blue Moon drinkers who look at the price and say “$35 for all you can drink beers? Fuck yes, bro!” They don’t give a shit about craft beer itself, only the fact that the craft beer in front of them is unlimited.

Sadly, the same rings true for the company behind these festivals. “The Results Group”? They just don’t give a fuck about craft beer. Beer festivals, like the craft shows, golf shows, and the sportsman’s shows they also run, are just another way to make money. They don’t care about the betterment of craft beer. These aren’t some people on a crusade to turn BMC drinkers into craft beer drinkers. They are there to advertise, set up tables, and to make that money off beer drinkers who don’t know it’s a complete sham.

All of this culminates into a festival that’s the craft beer equivalent of the beer section of your local Price Chopper. When they can actually get breweries to show up and represent themselves they are usually new to the market and are just trying to get the word out. When these breweries see the crowd in attendance and after the umpteenth time they are asked which beer they have that tastes closest to Blue Moon, or which beer they have has the highest ABV (because the festival goer is just trying to get fucked up) they realize it’s not worth their time the next year. And that’s great, other than the fact that there will be another new set of breweries that don’t know any better next year to fill their shoes. And that cycle will continue to live on for years to come, until the inevitable “craft beer bubble” pops.

As for the distributors who show up, they know full well not to bring any beer that actually matters to a festival like this. They’ll bring their most widely distributed core beers and send reps that recite scripts about the beer and not much else. Here Toasted Lager, Liquid Gold, Rare Vos, and Honey Brown will flow like wine. (Yellow Tail wine, to be exact.) And because they’re sending beer they can literally give away, and they’re most likely sending some of their lowest paid staff to represent these brands, it’s not a huge investment. And while they can’t prove doing these festivals actually put more of these beers in the hands of craft beer drinkers, they’ll certainly keep coming back every year.

Unfortunately, it’s piece of shit marketing/promotions company driven events like this that thrive and return year after year in Upstate NY. I swear, there is something in the water here that breeds mediocrity. Please, for the love of god, do not go to any of these festivals. Even if you want to support local craft beer and even the breweries listed here, save your money and spend it at TAP NY or BCTC. Or better yet, get a bunch of your friends together and buy a few bombers or growlers from these breweries and hold a “brewfest” of your own. I assure you the beers will be better and your money will not go on funding festivals like these.

16 thoughts on “I love shitty, generic, cookie cutter beer festivals.

  1. Wow. Those awful web sites brought back unpleasant memories from mid 90s.

    Yeah, festivals are really tough. The ones put on by the local brewers association/guild seem to be pretty decent. But even those have the attendees who only seek out the ones with highest ABV. I hate hearing people in the tasting lines ask the brewer/pourer which beer is the highest ABV. Tickets to some of these events/festivals are wasted on those who don’t care about the beer, but just want to get drunk. I’m still surprised how they get tickets when there’s tons of other people who couldn’t get tickets and would have appreciated the festival.

    1. Then don’t sell all the tickets online months before the event. or at least save a bunch for locals or day of event sale.

  2. I have taken a photograph of your poor excuse for a so-called blog. You have not been authorized to use our copyrighted material on your shit blog. If this material is not removed in 24 hours our law firm is taking action against you. You are an embarrassment to the craft beer industry. Fortunately you have no followers. I am Tom Tarry, the CEO of The Results Group, the owner of the copyrighted materials you have stolen. I’m not hiding behind a blog like you are. I don’t want my companies name associated with “beer porn” or “food porn”. If you want to talk to me like a man face to face I’ll be at the Washington Ave Armory on Saturday, February 8, 2014 from 1-9. You have 24 hours.

    1. I have removed the pictures in question. I assume this satisfies your request to have your copyrighted material removed from my blog within “24 hours”. However, please note that the display of your images is considered fair use under the “commentary” and “criticism” categories. Please read up on fair use and the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). You have 24 hours.

  3. The last beer event I went to in Syracuse was also promoted by the Tom Tarry Smegma Group© as well…

    “Tom Tarry of event promoter The Results Group, admits the problems. He says he’ll learn from the mistakes and make the event better next year. ‘There’s going to be more beer, there’s going to be a lot more organization about getting in and there’s going to be a lot more people on site talking intelligently about the beer they’re pouring,’ Tarry said.”

    Seems like he’s learned from his mistakes at the very least

  4. Reblogged this on Craft Beer and Running and commented:
    I’m not one to reblog many things but I think it can be said there are way to many beer fests which are not out there to help the brewers. These fests are just there to make a quick buck for the promoter and nothing more. This being said I have to give appreciation to Beer Advocate, Drink Craft Beer, Brewvival, and the many brewers guild festivals that help the brewers and producers of fine craft beer do what they do. For the ones who are asking for donations and doing shitty beer fests, may you continue to get shitty brown ales and the absence of my attendance! This is a story of one of the promoters who put on these events!

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